The COVID-19 pandemic crashed down on me like a fierce mid-afternoon thunderstorm. It was unexpected, jarring and left me soaking wet in disbelief. It seemed that no matter where I turned, the rain surrounded me. At first I accepted the rain, then I refused it, then I briefly tricked myself into using playfulness to temporarily deny the reality of what was happening. But then I was forced (quite literally) into shelter and forced to fall on my knees and surrender to the storm that has still yet to pass.
Every day this week, I wake up in hope that it will stop raining—but I look and only see flooding all around me. I pray for relief—but I am only met with uncertainty. The despair creeps in and I can no longer fight the rain. But even in dark hours when the rain is beating down on me, I force myself to find my inner voice of hope. Sometimes, I hear a little whisper that tells me that I will survive. I hear the whisper in the dark hours and it reminds me that just maybe I can do this hard thing. Just maybe I can survive.
Every day, I eagerly wait for this whisper of hope to visit me again. It is powerful and just enough to remind me that I am going to be okay.
I am not defeated by the storm.
When all else fails and I’m at my lowest, I know I can turn to hope. Hope is a beautiful marker that all will be ok.
I seek out the inner source of my hope by going inward and recreating the message that visited me not too long ago. It’s less natural but it will do. Sometimes we can’t expect spontaneous hope to find us, we have to seek it.
This is message I create for myself:
“Your mind is not prepared to weather such storms, you have never seen a storm like this in your lifetime. You must learn how to navigate this world in a new way. You cannot return to your old ways of thinking but you have to find new normals and continue to experience the joys of life in whatever form they come to you. You had no choice when COVID-19 entered your life, and it abruptly removed all possibility to return to normalcy for a very long time. You feel the grief burrowing deep inside your gut, twisting in a knot, and circulating up into your tight chest. This storm has caused you to grieve normalcy, safety and predictability because for now, there are none of those things. This storm is reminding you that you don’t have control of most things—but you do have control of your thoughts and your inner source to find hope, despite the rain and the storm’s ruthless destruction."
Anxious about COVID-19? Check out this youtube video where Audrey breaks down the topic of anxiety and uncertainty. Click here.